Thursday, June 27, 2013

Coming Undone

There is no happy ending here. To write about it or not?  I have gone back and forth with whether to share this on here or not, but since I said I was going to be talking a lot about weight loss and haven't I kinda feel like I owe the people who read this little blog an explanation.

I was going to a wedding that was going to have an open bar and since my period was a little late I thought, "why not, I'll take a test to make sure."  It came back positive (cue shocked face).  I continued to take multiple tests before scheduling a doctors appointment, and even made that for a couple days out...just to see.
I went to the doctor and she laughed when I told her I didn't believe I was really pregnant and she said, "Yes, you are really pregnant."
Sorry about this pee stick picture.

Up until that point I hadn't really let myself accept it.  So that is the point when I let myself be happy about it.  My husband was elated.
After the doctors appointment I woke up with some sharp pains in my pelvic region.  It hurt.  I called my mom (of course.) and she said just go ahead and go to the doctor.  My husband was at work, so I called him to keep him updated.  He insisted he come home, I said I was just having things checked out and he didn't need to use an "off" day.
The doctor came in and did an exam and explained the my cervices was closed so that was a good sign and said everything looked okay (cue relieved face).
She came back in with a different look on her face.  She explained the my HCG level was not that of a healthy pregnancy.  The doctor explained that I probably just had enough hcg left in my system the day before to "trigger" the test.  I continued to have an ultra sound that showed the same thing, no healthy baby.  She explained that I had probably had an early miscarriage because something was wrong with the fetus (nature's way is how she explained it) or something when wrong with implantation.
I was heart broken and alone...because I had insisted nothing was wrong and no reason for anyone to come.
The next step was to tell my husband.  Who was clearly upset, by more supporting and worried about me than anything (I love that man).
I came home and cried in a hot bath....and drank wine. 

There are a lot more emotions that went with this and words just don't seem to describe them.  Every time I try to think of just how to put it it just doesn't seem right. 

Lessons Learned From This:
  • I love my husband even more after seeing how caring he was in a situation like this (although I hope I don't have to see that side of him again).
  • You can't change things like this.  Only do everything right and avoid what you are supposed to, but aside from that things like this aren't in your control.
  • I am going to monitor pregnancy tests longer before going to the doctor and getting excited.
Being Positive:
  • I am glad that if this had to happen it happened so early on.  My heart goes out to women who go much longer than me and see their sweet baby, etc. and something goes 'wrong'.  I can't imagine.  This was painful and I hadn't even known that long.
  • The doctor said something must have been wrong for this to happen, something that could have resulted in complications, etc. later on.
  • My husband rocks, but I already knew that. 
So in the end, I am okay.  I am emotionally exhausted, but okay.  I am glad to have such a great and supportive husband who was the strength while I came completely undone. 


  1. That must have been really tough. Good for you for seeing the positive in it though, I feel like that would be super hard to do! I'm glad you decided to share. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  2. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine what it must feel like and good for you for trying to find a silver lining in it all. I'm planning to start trying to get pregnant within the next year or two and I have heard of this happening to people so it scares me a little. Hope you have fun on your vacations and a lot of positive experiences this summer.

  3. I am so sorry. :-( I will be praying for you and your husband. I'm sure that must be so hard.

    1. Thank you for your prayers. They are much appreciated.

  4. I know it's a little odd coming back something posted almost a month ago but I just read this and wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you! My husband and I have been trying for quite some time now with no luck. In April I was almost a full month late and got my hopes up only to be let down again. I was devastated with that so I can't imagine how painful this must have been for you and I pray that everything works out in time!

    1. I didn't know I wanted it so bad until I thought I had it and then it was gone. T and I had been trying for about 3 months and we will continue to try, but now when it happens again I will be so nervous. It is weird that it is something you don't want until your ready and then once you want it you feel like you want it right then and now. Prayers for you guys. We keep telling ourselves it will happen when it is time...hopefully that is soon.

  5. I love how positive you are about such a sad thing. My prayers go out to you and your husband, I know this cant be easy. Thank you so much for sharing though.

  6. I am really late commenting on this post, but I was looking though your blog and found this post. I hope that you are doing ok. I suffered a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my daughter. It was the hardest thing that I have ever been through. It shook me to my core and even though we werent ready, after that moment I realized that I was ready. When we found out we were pregnant the second time, I was so cautious and so nervous about everything. All I could do every day was just pray and pray and pray. I cant tell you how nervous I was when we went for the first ultrasound, but each day got easier and easier. It might have been the hardest thing I have faced, but it also brought the greatest joy to our lives, and it certainly makes me not take one day for granted. I wish you and your husband all the best and for a precious, healthy baby sooner than later. I know the exact feeling of wanting it "now." Hang in there because it will happen! I am living proof!

  7. First off, let me just say that I am SO very sorry for your loss. I know I am a little late in writing this, as I am new to the blog.. but that doesn't make a difference to me. I lost my first child, Miller, at birth- full term in 2005. And then at the beginning of this month, after 9 months of trying, I found out I was pregnant and the next day began bleeding. I was only 5 weeks pregnant and after going to the Doctor and seeing "my baby" (as he said to me) on the scan, I was told that I would miscarry over the week and not to worry if I passed anything (which I did, that Friday, but only after contraction like pains). Losing a child, whether it be an early pregnancy or a late pregnancy, is something no woman or family should ever have to endure. Sometimes it changes us.. sometimes in good ways and then some in bad ways. I suffered long and hard with my first loss but over the years I have not only learned to grieve, become a published writer, and helped other people.. but I have also learned to appreciate every second and never take anyone for granted. I hope that you are able to have a healthy little one sometime soon and you get to know what true love really is. Also, I pray I have that blessing too!

  8. Thank you for sharing your story. Words get really really hard. But people who have gone through this know it. Here is my story sort of: