One of Life's Little Imperfections

This post has been hard for me to write, but I always promised myself that if I blogged I would be 100% honest, the good and the bad.  You know, it is easy to keep things light so to speak, but I have  quickly realized I am becoming a member of a very supportive community that I feel blessed to be part of that I can be completely myself with.

 As some of you know, I recently had a miscarriage.

 I didn't start this blog to discuss trying for a baby, but for fitness reasons and to share our lives, and that just happened to happen and is a very big part of our journey now--if you ask me. 

We weren't necessarily trying for a baby, it just kind of happened.  It was the blessing that wasn't and that is hard to accept at times.  I have so many people around me expecting babies right now and that makes it a tad bit harder to swallow.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, but wish I was that kind of happy, too. 

I will get to my point now, because I am rambling.  I have been working out and want to keep up with an intense routine to shed weight.  In all honestly, we weren't trying to get pregnant yet and big reason is because I want to lose weight first.  I don't want to start out overweight and then gain more with pregnancy, yada..yada..yada, and end up in a very overwhelmed and be in a place I feel unhappy and helpless as far as weight loss.  The thing about the miscarriage is it made me realize that I do want a baby, like more than I have wanted anything...and ladies, that is a scary feeling...wanting something that you can't just buy, etc.  My husband wants it equally bad.

  I just don't know what to do at this point.

Here is where my head goes in a million different directions:

• What if we have fertility issues, being the reason I had a miscarriage, and we put it off for me to lose weight and then we are set back that much farther in figuring out we have an issue?
• Should we just start trying and keep exercising and address it as needed based on what happens?
• I have read that intense exercise (anything over what you can comfortably talk and exercise) can be known to be associated with miscarriages, so should I alter my routine (which would probably result in little to no weight loss) and try? 
• Maybe I should just set a date for us to start trying a couple of months from now and where I am at in my weight loss journey is where I am, but at that time trying for a baby will take priority. 
• I could always get pregnant, continue to exercise, not gain that much weight and get it off after and I'm are over thinking this like everything else.
• Or, there could be no fertility issue, it was just something that unfortunately happened, and I have time to lose the weight and have a baby/ies...and I'm over thinking it.   

I'm driving myself crazy over here!

I know that no one can tell me what to do or make this decision for me, it is just a very odd place to be.   There are two different things I want at the same time and I don't want to do something that could compromise the health of a baby in the pursuit of the other.

For now, I will continue to think about it and keep up with my normal routine, because I feel really motivated at this point (thanks for all your support).

Coming Undone

There is no happy ending here. To write about it or not?  I have gone back and forth with whether to share this on here or not, but since I said I was going to be talking a lot about weight loss and haven't I kinda feel like I owe the people who read this little blog an explanation.

I was going to a wedding that was going to have an open bar and since my period was a little late I thought, "why not, I'll take a test to make sure."  It came back positive (cue shocked face).  I continued to take multiple tests before scheduling a doctors appointment, and even made that for a couple days out...just to see.
I went to the doctor and she laughed when I told her I didn't believe I was really pregnant and she said, "Yes, you are really pregnant."

Sorry about this pee stick picture.

Up until that point I hadn't really let myself accept it.  So that is the point when I let myself be happy about it.  My husband was elated.
After the doctors appointment I woke up with some sharp pains in my pelvic region.  It hurt.  I called my mom (of course.) and she said just go ahead and go to the doctor.  My husband was at work, so I called him to keep him updated.  He insisted he come home, I said I was just having things checked out and he didn't need to use an "off" day.
The doctor came in and did an exam and explained the my cervices was closed so that was a good sign and said everything looked okay (cue relieved face).
Then...
She came back in with a different look on her face.  She explained the my HCG level was not that of a healthy pregnancy.  The doctor explained that I probably just had enough hcg left in my system the day before to "trigger" the test.  I continued to have an ultra sound that showed the same thing, no healthy baby.  She explained that I had probably had an early miscarriage because something was wrong with the fetus (nature's way is how she explained it) or something when wrong with implantation.
I was heart broken and alone...because I had insisted nothing was wrong and no reason for anyone to come.
The next step was to tell my husband.  Who was clearly upset, by more supporting and worried about me than anything (I love that man).
I came home and cried in a hot bath....and drank wine. 

There are a lot more emotions that went with this and words just don't seem to describe them.  Every time I try to think of just how to put it it just doesn't seem right. 

Lessons Learned From This:

• I love my husband even more after seeing how caring he was in a situation like this (although I hope I don't have to see that side of him again).
• You can't change things like this.  Only do everything right and avoid what you are supposed to, but aside from that things like this aren't in your control.
• I am going to monitor pregnancy tests longer before going to the doctor and getting excited.

Being Positive:

• I am glad that if this had to happen it happened so early on.  My heart goes out to women who go much longer than me and see their sweet baby, etc. and something goes 'wrong'.  I can't imagine.  This was painful and I hadn't even known that long.
• The doctor said something must have been wrong for this to happen, something that could have resulted in complications, etc. later on.
• My husband rocks, but I already knew that. 

So in the end, I am okay.  I am emotionally exhausted, but okay.  I am glad to have such a great and supportive husband who was the strength while I came completely undone.