Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I Run...But Don't Mistake Me for a Runner.

Okay, I have a confession.  I suck at running.  I mean I want to be good at it.  I want to love it.  I want it to love me...but it doesn't.  It is like that love/hate relationship with that 'one' co-worker who just rubs you the wrong way sometimes.

Dear Running,
I like that you try to kick my ass into shape, but when will you get easier?  When will I feel like I actually like you and I am not forcing myself to like you?  When will you make me drop 10 pounds in a week and be a miracle worker?  Okay, kidding...kinda. When will my thighs stop hating you by screaming at me to stop by creating friction?  When will I stop running at the same pace as a fast walker?  Why are you so much easier on a treadmill...hmmmm?  Why do you make me feel like a chubby kid at summer camp with asthma?  When will I feel like I am not that person the people in their vehicles are pointing at saying, "How long do you think she'll last?...Ahh, not to the top of that hill."?  When will I feel like that goal of a half-marathon is actually obtainable...and errr, logical?   When will you stop being so damn hard?
                                                                                                                   I hate you!

Here is a play-by-play in my mind as I run at one of our local trails:

Pulling in the parking lot: This is going to be great today. It is nice and starting to cool off and it is going to be easier than yesterday.

Starting: There are a lot of people here...start strong so they think you know what you're doing.

This hill is hard.  Am I out of the vision of all the photographers and engaged couples yet?

Hmmm, look at that butterfly.  If I was a butterfly I would be so skinny because I would fly everywhere.  I wonder if there are chubby butterflies?  There are chubby caterpillars.  What if humans could go in a cocoon and get skinny.  Sign me up.

You are probably supposed to be thinking about your stride, breathing, and other important things to real runner...ha, you aren't a real runner.  Just stay in your Alice In Wonderland chubby butterfly world.

Yep, guess who's still running?  This girl.

Oooo, a downhill section.  What if you fell on your face right now? Then you would continue to roll down the hill...that would be embarrassing.

Look at those two girls running in their matching outfits.  Well, aren't they cute?  Wait, they have jewelry and make-up on? What the hell?  Are they shooting a running commercial here?  Nope, they are just better at this than you.

Were they actually talking?  Even your thoughts are out of breath.

Hmmm, look at all that grown up grass.  What would you do if a snake came out of it?  I bet you would run fast then.  Run in the middle of the path.  Run in the middle of the path.

Oh gosh, now I am at the point where I feel like I am in a parade because all the cars on the main highway can see me.  Should I wave like a princess?  If I was a princess I would not be running like this in public.  If I was a princess I probably wouldn't have a weight problem because I would have a personal chef and trainer.

You are halfway done and you are still running.  Wooo hooo!  But now you are 1.5 miles away from your car.  What if you got a cramp?  Or got hurt?  What if someone tried to abduct you?  Runnnnnnn bishhhh.

Okay, that hill coming up is sure to slow you down.  Get your little engine that could on and think you can.

Are you walking or running?  Are you walking in a running position?  Pretty sure.

Oh, you made it....up....that....hill.

Look at those little flowers.  Do you remember making necklaces out of those in elementary school?  Wouldn't it be nice to sit down and make a flower necklace?  You may never get up if you sit down.  Your husband would be worried when you didn't come home and the creatures will start coming out once it gets dark...I guess I'll pass on you little flower necklaces.

Almost done.

Okay, if you finish you can walk after.  No shit, Sherlock...when you are done running, you...walk. Unless of course you are crawling, and that wouldn't be pretty, so let's not go there.

P.S. No fools here, I do not actually even think I look anywhere near the left image when I run...but I am pretty sure the dog is a dead ringer for me.

So, here is to running and getting better at it.
Here is to liking it...one day.


  1. I nominated you for a blog award :) Check it out!

  2. LOVE this post. My two pieces of advice would be to find a running buddy to do your long runs on the weekend. Running with a friend helps you to find your "conversational" pace.

    I didn't love running until I started those two things, but let me tell you, there are still a ton of days that my butt is dragging. (like today) :)

    Are you doing For 4 Fitness?

  3. OMG thank you so much for the laugh!! I'm pretty sure I have a conversation almost identical to that EVERY time i run as well!!

  4. OMG this was a riot, but oh so perfectly said!! Sounds exactly like me when I'm trying to do it outdoors.
    Especially the snake and the 'would they find my body if something happens to me in this face plant fall trying to run down this hill to make up time' spot?

    Keep it up!!

  5. I am right there with you on this post! So much, in fact, that I haven't run outside in a month, and it has been beautiful here. I must kick my own butt though - b/c I'm running in my first ever 5k in Sept (6 weeks from now). Thanks for the motivation!!!!! And, I love your new blog design!!!!!

  6. I used to run every day until I had kiddies. Now I walk the dog with the stroller, lol. I'm actually excited to have my 2nd baby in a few weeks and to get back into running again. I miss it! I never LOVED it either, but it sure does make you feel good :)

  7. Hilarious! I definitely look like the dog lol.

  8. dear lord this had me cracking up!! I wish I could run just a mile without stopping- keep up the good work!

  9. This is a hilarious post all the way through, and I about lost it at the flower necklaces. I did lose it at the dog pic. buwhahahahahaha

    I'm your latest follower. :)

  10. It took a long time for me to not hate running, and even still, I run at an 11 min/mile pace. It's pretty pitiful most of the time. I understand ALL of this... you are not alone!

  11. I am not a runner ... I'm not even sure I want to be (I'm and elliptical gal). I would like to be ABLE to run a mile without dying, but I don't know that I really have any grand plans (running a marathon, nope, that's not even a goal for me).

  12. I run.. from scales, from skinny people, from really beautiful people..